12:09 PM

Decided to write a letter to my parents.

Dear Mom and Pops,

I’m sitting in front of your graves right now, which means I’m probably sitting on one or both of you. It kind of takes me back to the times I’d sit on your laps and you’d burp me and I’d automatically poo in my diaper and you’d get upset because you’d have to clean my diaper again. But that’s life.

I bet you’re both pretty proud of me right about now. I haven’t died yet which is a pretty cool thing and more than I can say for Cedric (Ba-zing!), but more importantly you have given birth to a Sex God. Dad, you’ll be pretty proud to know that I have been around the block and it was a very good looking block. Mom, you’ll be happy to know I have avoided contracting any kind of STDs.

Well my life is pretty hectic right now. It’d be nice to have some parents to, I don’t know, protect me from this bald guy that wants to kill me or something. But of course you guys have to go off and pretend to be noble and get yourselves killed. I bet it was just some huge scheme because you were too young to have a child and didn’t know what the Hell you were doing. Maybe that’s a little harsh.

Hm. My life. Well, I’ve got a really great girlfriend named Jenna Jameson. She’s super pretty and blonde and all that. She’s actually pretty famous too; she’s starred in a few GREAT films. I’m also going to be on England’s Quidditch Team next year, since they recruited me. Not only that, but I’m also going to be the most important auror ever and Minister of Magic one day, they say!

So even if ol’ Voldmasta ends up killing me, I’ll go down in history forever and ever and ever and be really famous. And that’s all that really matters.

Love,

Parry Hotter